Random Thoughts and Sleep Deprivation

I am running on zero minutes of sleep. No, seriously, I’m not even exaggerating. I haven’t closed my eyes in two days.

And you know what, I feel OK. Granted, I just ate a tasty wrap-thang and walked through the crisp air, hearing the Hare Krishnas sing their praises on the plaza. But overall, I don’t want to crawl in the hole and cry myself to sleep.

This comes to the point of my delirious chatting: Human beings are freakin’ resilient.  I mean, I am not even a good example, but I worked all day yesterday, all through the night and morning, presented a serious paper for Medical Anthropology, listened to a bunch of boring presentations without passing out, talked to a teacher without making a complete arss out of myself, and now I sit here in class typing away like a diligent little girl, AND I found time between all that to brush my teeth, wash my face, and apply mascara (haha). Awesome!

I know in about fifteen minutes I’ll start yawning and cursing the gods for my terrible academic habits, but for right now I want to sing my own praises.

Humans have overcome all sorts of obstacles with much less going for them than I.  We built a spaceship that rocketed to the moon!  We know how to cut people open, remove guts, and then sew them back together!  We survive in the Arctic circle with hardly more than a gas stove, long johns, and a fishing pole (don’t quote me on that)!  Humans defeat obstacles with terrible odds, and for that, I can say “rubba dub dub, Yay Humans“!  Sure, we’re nasty brutes who kill and rape and pillage the Earth and our fellow apes, but here we are, a product of all sorts of random and sweet natural selection who can stay up for days and still be somewhat comprehensible! Yay!

Although I abuse my body for four weeks out of every year (two weeks a semester at finals time), I’m appreciative of our physical freedom to do so.  And dammit, I’m proud of myself for pushing to excel at this school endeavor, despite my occasional slacking-off and inexcusable procrastination.

Anyone and everyone who has ever stayed up all night and resisted the temptation to just say F**K IT ALL, Cheers! Let’s be resilient, prove our selves wrong, and kick some a*s!!!

How to be depressed

These past couple weeks I’ve been feeling quite depressed for no specific reason at all. I’ve been irritable with friends and generally impossible to please.  As a result, I’ve decided to compile a list of a few things that will teach you how to be depressed and cranky just like me.

1.  Drink a bottle of wine to yourself and watch a heartbreaking romance movie.

Not only will the wine make you feel loopy and completely alone, the movie will make you cry and sob your heart out over the lost love, the high school sweetheart, or the imaginary boyfriend waiting outside your front door that never shows up. Guarantees a headache, puffy eyes, and malaise for the entirety of the following day.

2.  Quit every healthy regime you’ve worked hard to implement into your life.

Screw going to the gym three times a week.  And chose the hamburger over the salad.  Skip the vitamins, skip the fresh air for a strong cigarette.  Drink multiple kinds of liquor in an evening at the bar. Forget showering and brushing your teeth.  Bask in filthy clothes and beer breath. Don’t get out of bed for anything.

3.  Harbor resentment.

Let every little thing that annoys you fester inside until your blood is boiling and you’re imagining great insults to spew at the unlucky roommate who doesn’t rinse their dish.  Dig up old drama with a friend and insist on always being right.  Bitch about everything and everyone who isn’t perfect just like you.  Read old diaries to stir up anger from years ago.  Blame parents, friends, ex-boyfriends for your piss-poor mood.

4.  Look at everyone else’s pictures online and see how much fun they’re having and how happy everyone is but you.

Your ex has a beautiful new girlfriend and they’re getting engaged! Yay!  Your girl friend went to a party without you and obviously had such a great time.  That one friend has lost weight and is so cute in her pretty little dress.  I wanted to buy that dress but it didn’t fit me…

5.  Don’t make any effort whatsoever to cheer up or engage with humanity whatsoever.

Don’t go out. Don’t even go upstairs to fry an egg. Stay right there on the couch or the bed and eat those cheetos. Don’t shower or put on a cute shirt. Whatever you do, do not accept an invitation to grab beers at a once-favorite brewery. Don’t even answer your phone. Don’t look at movie times. Going to the movies is your favorite thing so don’t even consider it.

6.  Do not investigate your sadness or express your sadness in a healthy way.

Don’t write a poem, don’t paint, don’t journal, don’t dance, don’t exercise. Don’t call a friend for comfort.  Don’t express any angst effectively. Complain, whine, and bitch, please.

There you have it. This is a preliminary list of things to do/not do to continue being a bitchy little victim of the evil forces in the universe. Now wipe off that smile and start crying, dammit!

Anxieties of the FUTURE

I am a fifth year senior, and I’ve committed my final semester to projects that will prepare me for LIFE.

I’ve applied for a program mentoring at-risk youth and I’m trying to find an NGO where I can intern, gain some experience, and do something positive with myself.

I love the prospect of growing and developing as an individual.  And I like the idea of a big-girl job.  But admittedly, I’m freakin’ nervous.

I haven’t had real responsibility (besides school) since I was the only waitress at a struggling pizza joint in high school.  Even then, I wasn’t getting paid so any moment I could’ve walked out.  I love a good challenge and I’m looking forward to the next phase of my life, but I’m scared. What if I FAIL? What if I bite off more than I can chew?  What if I’m on the wrong path and I end up hating the field I have my sights on?

There are so many choices, so many different opportunities, and I’m thankful for every one of them.  But dammit, I’m overwhelmed.  I keep saying in my head “don’t screw this up, don’t screw this up”.

A part of me is nervous that I’ll hate working with NGOs and dealing with the bureaucracy that comes with overseas development projects.  Another part of me is terrified that I won’t be the expert traveler I was when I was younger. Another part is scared that I’ll meet somebody and fall in love and abandon my dreams to make babies and go everywhere my future spouse wants to go. The list goes on.

When I get these feelings of anxiety and utter fear, I stop, breathe, and give myself a mental hug. Lame, I know. But I mean, what good is worrying and obsessing and constantly doubting myself?

I know a few people who have similar anxieties about graduating, and all I can suggest is chilling out, and doing something today that might help you in the future. Quell your worries with action.

Whether you type up or polish your resume, scan the help wanted section, or brainstorm some visions of the future, those are all positive ways to relax.  Get coffee with a friend and imagine where you’ll be in 10 years. Read about graduate programs.  Look into volunteer opportunities. Write a list of your passions and go partake in one of them. Let yourself have some fun and be productive at the same time.

Stop the doubt, avoid the negativity.

Dream big, set goals, challenge yourself! Let yourself grow and change, let yourself try different things and experiment.  We only have one life to live, so we might as well take some risks and make an adventure out of it.

 

Go ahead, leap off. It’ll be fun.

Do I declare myself?

“But when you rip open that shirt to find the ripped abs of truth – when you remember who you are – the question then becomes: Do you declare yourself?”

-Justine Musk

I ask myself this question often: Do I declare myself?

Being the self-conscious, justice-seeking, slightly psychotic individual I am, I constantly play with different aspects of my self.  Whether it’s the political side, the philosophical side, or the bad poetry side, there are many facets to my personality. I think this is normal, but it’s difficult to find that one passion, that one part of my being, that is stronger and demands a declaration above all others.

What are my ripped abs, so to speak?  What do I see, what do I feel, when I remember who I am?

Do I too, wear a facade?  Do I put on a ‘front’ when I go out and about?  And if so, who am when I get home to an empty house and a lovable mutt?

I suppose I am a sensitive, calm, critical, and slightly sad female.

Without the face without the facade. Just a silly girl puttin’ curlers in her hair.

Acting tough and intelligent can be exhausting some times.

I remember that I am a flawed, unfashionable, and fervent woman.  I have fears and fallacy.

But this remembrance is more beautiful than my shell of ‘wonder woman’ outer projections.  And I remember it, yes, yes, I do.

I remember my fears and passions, and god dammit I declare them.

A loose introduction to my plan for this page…

Throughout my college career, I have delved into a plethora of different topics and issues concerning life around the globe.  From Islamic philosophy to narrative film, to the economics of crime and the relationship between illness and language, I’ve had a taste of just about every subject over the past four years.  And while I certainly feel enriched and decently well-read, I feel a certain component has been lacking to my education. Where is all the discussion?  The sharing of ideas, visions, and passionate declarations between my peers and I, or even the community at large, is almost entirely absent.  Most of my classes claim to be participation friendly where we are rewarded for speaking, however many comments or questions are lacking a sort of zeal or curiosity.  There are exceptions of course where students have spoken up and showed enthusiasm, however I regret to say that these instances are all too infrequent.  On a college campus of all places, aren’t students supposed to be getting fired up about serious issues? Should we not share our perspectives and ask meaningful questions?  Are we lacking mindfulness and passion regarding such important issues of war and food shortage?  Or are we just too intimidated, embarrassed, or indifferent to initiate a dialogue on topics that interest us?  Either way, I believe that our silent classrooms pose a threat not only to our education but the overall awareness and progress of our generation.  With all of the violence, war, famine, poverty, and corruption(the list is endless), I would have hoped to hear my friends and fellow students discuss these matters from time to time. If the classroom is not the right place to question the consequential state of affairs occurring across our planet, than what is?

I am not saying that students at my university are a bunch of moronic zombies by any means, however I do wish that my peers would speak up more often and engage a bit.  As a very passionate and curious individual, I yearn for discussion, as I love to hear different ideas and perspectives.  I want to know what others think! I want to hear how different people examine different issues.

One of my intentions for this blog is to hear what others have to say regarding topics I present here.  Some subjects may concern organic farming, bombing, socialism in contemporary society, or even questions regarding the quality of the education we believe we’re gaining from public university.  I want to discuss issues that we don’t always bring to light in our classrooms, but issues that are increasingly important for our generation to consider. I hope to present questions or topics that unearth them selves to me over the coming weeks and perhaps gain some feedback from my readers.  Feel free to read without commenting, but comments are more than welcome! Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope we can learn something from each other.

What do you think about this?  Are students more indifferent these days or are we just scared to speak up?

(ANY feedback appreciated. For example, if this is a terrible idea for a blog, PLEASE tell me so and I’ll switch it up).