“If you could change one thing about our life right now, what would it be?”
The answer to this question eludes me. I have so many regrets. I wish several things were different. I would change the way I’ve treated people. I would change how I’ve let other people treat me.
I would wish I had a good-paying job. I would wish that the dog I care for could be truly my dog.
I could change my occasional shitty attitude. I would change the way I tend to judge people right off the bat, and harshly too. I would be more social. I would change the fact that I procrastinate.
I would change the fact that I’m lonesome. I would prefer to not secretly wish that I had a significant other as the nights get darker, colder, and increasingly desolate by myself.
I would change to be nicer. More patient. More kind.
I would change and take a bit of my own advice.
I would not live in this house with people that increasingly piss me off. I wish I didn’t get so pissed off.
There’s an awful lot that I would change…
The big one that keeps popping up in my head is my wish that I had treated people better in the past few years. Hell, the past decade. I was a shit head to my parents for the longest time. And then I had a high school sweetheart whose heart I essentially broke. I was a crazy person for a years that followed. Failed a couple classes and got involved in bad stuff before hitting rock bottom and finally learning that my actions have consequences, for myself and others. I could take away that year and be a bit happier, that’s for sure. Later I met a good man. An impatient, grumpy asshole to be sure. But overall he was a good man. That ended horribly. And I often look back upon the way I handled situations and wish I said or done something different to change what I know now was an inevitable outcome. I haven’t always been kind to one of my best friends. And I’ve been too hard on my mom. Shit… now the thoughts just keep rolling in. There is a lot I could change.
But, at the same time, I guess I’m this person because I’ve messed up so many times. I mean, if I didn’t have these regrets or realizations of my own flawed, wild, sometimes stupid, simply wrong, and utterly plagued self, I wouldn’t have learned a damn thing. At least I’ve got some experience under my belt.
So I guess if I could change one thing, to get this ordeal over with, I wouldn’t change anything about myself. I’m fine right where I am.
Instead of me, I would change something for someone who really deserves it.
I would change the fact that my folks aren’t rollin’ in the dough any longer and secretly grant them a bunch of money. I don’t know how much is a ‘bunch’, but I want them to have all their debts paid (my college loans especially), and I want them to take an awesome vacation for their 25th wedding anniversary.
My mother and father have put up with a lot of shit because of me. From my overall crazy, rebellious, stubborn, center-of-the-universe attitude to the actual trouble involving the law, police, and the ridiculous amounts of stress that occurs as a result of dealing with our glorious criminal justice system, they deserve a lifetime of vacations.
They have saved me in more ways than I can count. Financially, emotionally… they’ve stuck by me through thick and thin. My parents love me despite things I’ve done that I don’t share with anybody.
So screw changing my situation. I just want my parents to be happy and comfortable for the rest of their lives. I want to fill their bank accounts and shoo them off to Hawaii where they can eat bon bons and snorkel and hike… anything they want to do. God knows they deserve it.
I don’t know if that’s the answer the prompt was looking for, but that’s all I can come up with.